For years I have been giving advice on how to survive in the kitchen without all the proper cooking implements. Unfortunately, nobody had been asking for that advice, but I was giving it anyway. You might be asking yourself questions like: What happens if my pot isn't big enough? Do I need a 29-speed blender? Are a dash and a pinch the same thing? Is 30-weight motor oil usable in the kitchen? Why do I feel bad when I cut the heart out of celery? Dear Crabby is the answer. I want to hear from you!

Here is an example of a subscriber in need:

Dear Crabby,
Recently, I had some friends stop by unannounced. I had nothing in the house to feed them, but I really wanted to impress them. Being a student, I am basically living on hot dogs and macaroni. Can you help me so this uncomfortable situation will never happen again?

Frustrated in Phoenix

Dear Frustrated,
Be happy that you even have friends that would stop by! Being uncomfortable at certain times in your life will give you plenty to talk about years later when you start seeing the therapist that is destined in your future. Fortunately for you, this same scenario happened to me at the University of South Carolina. Go cocks! I recommend you make the "Chesapeake Bay Dog Log" (see Cooking without a Conscience page 24). In no time your dorm will be the new hangout and soon you won't even have macaroni.

Crabby

I have forgotten more about cooking than you will ever know. Do you realize that you can make an entire meal with just the sauce packets that you get from fast-food restaurants? I'm not kidding, these pre-packaged sauces and butter patties are gems and no refrigerator should be without 15-20 of them at any given time.