Beat Your Meatballs
Serves: 4 Hungry Youths Approaching Adolescence

3 Clove Garlic, Minced 2 lbs. ground Beef

2 Eggs 3 Tbsp. Chili Sauce

2 Tbsp. Dried Parsley Flakes 1/2 Tsp. Salt

1/2 Tsp. Pepper 32 Oz. Cocktail sauce

1/2 lb. Brown Sugar 1/2 Jar Grape Jelly

1 Cup White Vinegar 1/4 cup beer

1 Tbsp. O.B.S. Seasoning

Prep: Okay class today we are going to learn about cell division. First, let’s build a cell. Combine the garlic, the ground beef, the eggs, the chili sauce, the salt, the pepper, the parsley flakes, and the O.B.S. Seasoning into a big bowl. If you don’t have a big bowl, line a flowerpot with waxed paper or just spread it out on the counter. Make sure you wash your hands. Beat on the meat and jam your fingers into the conglomeration squishing it all around. Make sure that you get your hands all gooey and sticky. It will come in handy later during some fantasy. Now, divide the mixture in half. Take each half and divide into quarters. Divide each quarter into 2 dimes and a nickel. No, I mean into 2 eighths! Keep this going until you have 80 separate meatballs. (Those of you who are mathematically inclined will reach 128, and those of you who flunked math will have 80.) Meanwhile, combine the rest of the ingredients into a big saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the 80 meatballs to the mixture and simmer for 40 minutes. Stab them with toothpicks and serve.

Side Effects: Congratulations, you're a meat beater.